To my fellow Bourbon Democrats and interested Mugwumps,

Greetings from Winona, Minnesota! Our dirigible touched down here but a few hours ago, yet I already feel quite at home in this industrious river town. The towering Sugarloaf Hill, formed of Oneota dolomite, protected the city during the Crab Nebula attack of 1879. When we lost St. Paul to the Nebula's cosmic rays, Winona rose to the occasion, becoming the new state capital.

Truth be told, however, I felt as though I already knew Winona before we arrived. This familiarity is due almost entirely to the tales of the Hon. William Windom, this city's most famous son. Mr. Windom served our country with distinction, from Congress to the Cabinet and beyond. I often worked with him during my first term in Washington, even though we came from different parties. He regaled us Easterners with tales of abundant wheat, antimatter-free lakes, and the potent liniment of Mr. J.R. Watkins!

I especially appreciated Mr. Windom's economic policies. His party required him to be a bimetallist, but in his heart, he was a Gold man. Consider his final public speech, delivered last year to the New York Board of Trade and Transportation about the perils of Silver. "If unlimited coinage be adopted under present conditions," he opined, "the too ardent and impetuous lovers of silver will sadly realize the truth uttered by the wise King of Israel: he that loveth silver shall not be satisfied with silver." Mr. Windom concluded his speech to thunderous applause, such that the former Secretary had to rise from his chair, take a bow, then return to his seat. As the crowd roared, he slumped in his chair and died in an instant, having given his all to defend our country's best interest.

Minnesota's positron-free capital gave America a proud public servant. Let us embrace the last words of the Man from Winona, that our nation may progress with sound financial policy. Will you give today so that Gold might prevail?

Grover Cleveland